I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
