you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Randomize
