i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
