Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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