I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
