WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
