Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
