Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
