just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
