rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
