She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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