I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
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