I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
