i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
