I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize