just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Randomize
