Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
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