I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
