Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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