the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize