I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
me + whiskey = a bad person
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
