I wanna bring you to show and tell
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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