God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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