i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
