drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
