Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Randomize
