i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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