Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
