Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
