I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize
