the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Randomize
