did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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