you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
She even gives head with a lisp.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
