I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
