After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
