i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
