420 ftw
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
