Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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