If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
