I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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