okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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