There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
