my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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