I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
