I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Couch. On fire.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
