some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
