I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
