Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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