i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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