I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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