I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Send help, water and tortillas.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
