The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I have post one night stand depression
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
