My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
im calling her cock vulture from now on
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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