woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
