You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
