Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
