I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
We need to rekindle our bromance
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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