he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
