My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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