I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
