I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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