I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
