I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
