I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
