She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Randomize