Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Randomize
