you guys were way drunker than both of me
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
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