I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
