God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
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