Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
