a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
